Saturday, November 14, 2015

 After I had sex for the first time it was like a wall holding me in had been broken down and I kinda had a lot of one night stands (this can also be because of how things ended with that person) and while I might say it from time to time deep down I’m not a “I need to just get laid” kind of person. I never really understood why so many people subscribe to that being so damn important. I understand that physical contact and gratification can be rewarding in its own ways. I get that. But without emotional connection, it doesn’t do anything for me. The “hottest” person can walk into the room I’m in or be interviewed by Jimmy some night on TV….but the second they reveal their lack of intelligence or sense of humor, I’m done. Zero attraction.

I don’t necessarily need that. Sex as a vehicle for intimacy? Yes. I’m on board with that. I’m on board like train passengers or cheese and charcuterie.

But I’m equally on board with curling up on the couch, and long conversations into the night about why we think the universe operates a certain way. Or quietly sitting on a beach shoulder to shoulder, stealing glances at each other while we wait for the sunset. I want to hold your hand as you listen to my story of why my relationship with my father is so hard for me to think about sometimes. I want to be the person you call when you get amazing news. I want to be able to laugh at you doing something so catastrophically stupid even though I know laughing at you in that context annoys you. I love that when I have a bad day and I’m out of town, that you describe your dinner plans to me in detail because you know that weirdly makes me calm down. I love that you know I have a weakness for you cooking for me.  I want to be able to know exactly what to do and say to make you feel better when we’ve known each other for years. I can’t wait to tell everyone the story of how we met.

I want the small details and the big gestures. I want the sleepy “good nights” when we’re in the same place and cheesy “good morning” texts when we’re apart.
I want a life together. Not just a night.

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