Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Your questions answered

Why did I start this blog:

 honestly, it started as a way for me to frame my online dating in a way that wouldn’t make me constantly depressed about the whole venture, and a sense of community that you are not alone, that and my friends find them entertaining.

What do you think of match percentages on okcupid ? Bullshit or legit?

I used to think they were dumb now I see a point in it. If a guy isn't cool with me having guy friends or is against Gay marriage well thats just not a match for me  I really like the match percentages - they work really well for me! I find that anyone under 80% has some big red flags for me  usually stick with the 70%’s and 80%’s as long as we agree on the MAJOR things.

Do you ever worry about what others think? Like if you were eating alone in a restaurant? I don't, because I love to see people eating alone.

I love it. I always take a lot of things to do with me books, games, a notebook. I shop alone. I drive alone. I go to bookstores alone. It’s decadent, being on a date with myself. I very much enjoy it, and enjoy knowing that I don’t need the company of another to identify a good day. I have also made a lot of great friends this way because I am more willing to strike up a conversation instead of just being wrapped up with who I am with. 

My ex and I broke up seven months ago. I still think about him daily. Help.

Start thinking about why you split, who you were before him, and how great it is that you have the opportunity to be everything he was, to and for yourself. Live in the sorrow, nostalgia, or whatever but… use it to fuel a creative thing for you, not self pity, or wallowing. 

How is your relationship with yourself?

Just like any relationship… it’s at times one sided, a bit confusing. Exciting, difficult. It’s revealing, it’s romantic. It’s mine. Just me, and me. I have to hold myself accountable. Always. 

Would you ever learn sign language if someone you were dating needed you to or Not out of necessity but because you wanted to learn to communicate in another language?

Absolutely, sign language is the 2nd language I chose to learn, I know a little bit with anything if you don't stick with it you lose it I should brush up. it’s a beautiful means of communication. 

You give great advice on here, I was wondering who you go to when you need advice? A trusted friend, family member, online buddies? Who do you trust with your secrets and allow yourself to be vulnerable with?

Well, I’ve found that entrusting myself with other’s whom I think I can trust usually backfires, or instills a certain kind of tainted advice. I sometimes just let my secrets out, making jokes about them. Making them as funny as possible, which usually backfires. 
I was continually flirting with my ex, over and over. Because it was easy. It wasn’t exciting, or new, or scary. It was familiar if not dull. I finally took my own advice and figured out that what I was doing was extremely stupid on my part. 
I am not, at all, an evolved being. I’m still out there feeling, experiencing, living, making mistakes. As for a confidante? Well,  my people around me, my closer friends that is who I go to.
All I do know, is that my friend Katy is usually a good source of perspective, my mom ( even with the limited information I share with her) is a source of strength and support, and other than that, well, it depends on the circumstance. And how vulnerable I feel. 
What is your advice/insight for women who experienced heartbreak from unrequited love. I really respect your view of the world and embraced different aspects of what kind of girl I am because of your blog. I was involved with someone for 2 yrs, and he ended it when he said he felt guilty and had no feelings for me.
Anger is a pretty real emotion in that moment. For someone to have the gaul to pretend an interaction or connection for such a long time? Anger. I’d probably go beat the shit out of my punching bag, cry a bunch, maybe go for a walk. I’d bitch, I’d bitch to anyone who could handle my rage. 
Then…I’d feel bad for that son of a bitch. He has no idea how to interact as an adult. That, that is the real shame. I’m guessing you came to the situation like an adult, a person ready to share you life with someone you care about, being honest, upfront and hopefully. This guy… damn. He’s carrying around some serious issues, thank god you’re done with that. 
Know, as a woman you will meet thousands of people, some, 5-10, maybe as few as 2 will be with you through the thick and thin. It’s all about realizing who you want to usher you into certain parts of your life. Do you want people who don’t actually care about you? Your feelings, your thoughts, your capacity to love? Of course not. 
You are you. You can’t be anyone else. Feel the anger, and sadness, feel the bad. But, remember this guy, well he… he’s got it worse off than you. And now, you’re all the tougher for it. Good luck, woman. You’re fantastic, and strong. Never forget that. 

Do you think moving in before getting engaged is a bad idea? We've slept together before and I stay at his place every weekend, so unfamiliarity isn't an issue. We've been together for almost 8 months now.
I think you should absolutely live with someone before you get engage to them. Engagement is a prelude to marriage. You should absolutely know what type of person they are sharing personal and private space before marriage. 
In my opinion, I think that a healthy living situation and a healthy sex life should definitely be explored and established before marriage. 

I've been single for so long I don't even remember how to flirt... or be interested in a guy at all. Help?
Flirting is horrible. I mean, flirting when you try to flirt is uncomfortable and corny. In my experience, great flirting happens and you don’t realize until you’re already in there flirting. Relax. Stop putting pressure on it. When you find a guy attractive and funny, flirting will come easily. Don’t force yourself to be charming, or adorable. Too much stress. If and when you feel it, trust your gut and your humor. 
You ever been in love?
I don’t think so.  I would have pledge that the person I pined after in High School that I loved him, I truly loved him. Also I have claimed that with other people. 
Who knows… I certainly don’t. I certainly care deeply about the him and will always love him in a way (we're still friends) for the others I proclaimed to love we no longer speak and sure part of me will always care but they aren't in my life…. but did I really love them, with it all? I really can’t tell you. 
I once wrote that I was in love with the way they made me feel, and with the first one… absolutely. The second, I suppose I was more in love with the version of him that I thought I could help him be, which is a cluster fuck all in itself.  It felt very real and looking back still does but it was all playing house years I call them. 
I love myself. Which is pretty difficult. I’m not an amazing person, I have a lot of things to get over, but I really do love myself. So, if I can love me, then I think loving another person truly, deeply, irrevocable… well, that’s around the corner. Eventually.
I've been single for so long. I don't think there's a guy out there for me.
I call bullshit. 
Stop thinking this way. It’s counterproductive and completely illogical. You’re looking for the perfect person. Perfect doesn’t happen, look at yourself. Look at me. Look for someone who makes you happy. Who you want to spend hours in bed with. Who you’d drive to the DMV. Who’d see what you do, what you love to do, and appreciate it. Okay? Don’t wallow in your sadness until your 70 and you wasted your life waiting for the one? okay?

I need your help. I'm new to the online dating culture and I wanted to know if you would recommend that I message a guy who I can potentially see myself with... Or should I wait for him. Have you ever messaged a guy first?

Totally message that guy first! If you wait around for someone to message you, there’s a good chance it will never happen. And that’s not because he’s not into you, it’s just because there are a LOT of options in online dating and it’s really easy to get sidetracked.
I have messaged a ton of guys first. That being said, being proactive and going after what I want is something that is, well, totally me. If you aren’t feeling confident in your messaging ability or if you feel like being the first one to initiate contact is out of character for you, perhaps you should wait.
But then again, what do you have to lose? Maybe 5 minutes of your time and a little sliver of ego if you message goes unnoticed? If you’ve signed up for an online dating site, there is at least a small part of you willing to take a leap of faith and meet pretty much a total stranger in hopes there is some chemistry, so I know you have it in you to write a first message.
Online dating is all about putting yourself out there. So, like, put yourself out there. Message that foxy guy who you think you will click with! If you manage your own expectations properly, you’ll discover that you really have nothing to lose.
Good luck!

wtf i hate dating sites, they don't work!! i'm too scared to waste cash money

I mean, they actually do work… If you let them. Sure worked for me - but I totally put in the time and effort.
Don’t waste cash money though - all of the free sites are absolutely fine. I know plenty of people who have found great relationships through the site without paying a cent. I have also had some great dates so I call that a win. Also, don’t be scuuuuuured! It’s just dating. It’s supposed to be fun and if it isn’t, you’re not doing it right.

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