Monday, July 27, 2015

The top ten things you should know before you online date

10. Having a profile on an online dating site does not automatically mean you get to go on dates.
If you all still think you can throw up a short profile with a shitty picture and all of the sudden start getting messages, pokes, winks, whatevers galore, Its not going to work for you. (Unless of course you are a hot chick who posts a topless picture.) You get back what you put in to online dating. As I’ve said before in other posts, online dating is hard work if you are doing it right. If you are looking for quality, you need to make sure your profile and photos are top quality.
On the flip side, if you’ve put in some thought and created a wonderful profile that accurately depicts your personality and what you are looking for in a match, that still doesn’t mean you need to start going on tons of dates. Be picky… and be ok with being picky. It’s one of the perks of all of this! CHOICE.

9. Relationship ambiguity is bullshit
There have been so many articles about how millenials are all confused these days because no one quite understands where they are at in terms of their relationship to another person. Are we dating? Are we fucking? Are we dating to get to fucking? Are we in the friend zone? Can I polyamory? Teach me how to open relationship?
We did this to ourselves, guys. Modern dating does not have to be ambiguous or confusing unless we make it that way. Be open with your feelings. Be honest about what you want. Don’t get into polyamory or an open relationship because you think it’s the new trend. If those are for you great. If not thats okay too!  There is not right or wrong way to develop a relationship so stop asking people how to do it and start asking yourself how you’d like it to be done.

8. If you don’t like how things are going, reframe reframe reframe.
That is sort of why I have this blog.  I have been online dating for a bit and it sucked and I wasn’t having a good time… so now I can try and have a good time and well if its far from it I blog about it here and tell my friends and it becomes a learning experience. It completely changed the way I experience dating, men, relationships, and sex and it really helps me to hopefully get to the place I need to be in order to have a healthy relationship with someone.
What is that place? That place is the place where you feel very comfortable with yourself and your needs and you know how and when to assert them responsibly and kindly, which hopefully another person you want to date. 

7. Casual sex is the best thing in the entire world - until it isn’t
Let me re-phrase: casual sex is the best thing in the entire world if it is something that you enjoy and are comfortable with. Not everyone has it in them and really really, that is ok. For those of us that have done the whole casual sex thing, I feel like the experience is similar: it’s fucking awesome and then something happens or some time passes and all of a sudden sexing someone sans any real emotional connection becomes boring and empty. That’s when you know it’s time to stop.

If this hasn’t happened to you yet, high five kitten! May your days be filled with free bags of condoms and clean bill of health.

6. Rejection sucks
I’ve endured a lot of shitty behavior across multiples sites and apps this year but the worst of it has never been the one-off crude messages. The worst behavior has always happened after I rejected someone. Rejection + Internet =  THE WORST EVERRRRRRRRR.
No one takes it well and there is not one way to reject someone that will universally work. It really depends on the person and the delivery and the message and the planet’s alignment that day and if mercury is in retrograde and if you had the right amount of coffee and and and….. you get it.
Just be kind. Whether you are rejecting or being rejected. Be kind. We’ve all been there. The thin veil of anonymity provided by the Internet is not a guest pass to be an asshole for the day.

5. Good quality men are not on dating sites/apps for very long
I don’t want to be alarmist but ladies, this is true.  I have a number of friends who are in healthy, long-term relationships with dudes they met online and guess what they all have in common?  Ladies: bagillion online dates, dudes: like, 2.
Must be nice.

4. Get specific
Just because there are a ton of people online dating does not mean we all need to use the net approach. Dating is exhausting. It can also get pretty expensive, not to mention totally time consuming. Be specific in what you want and stop wasting everyone’s time - including your own. Know for a fact you aren’t going to date someone shorter than you? Fine. Don’t agree to meet someone shorter than you IRL. When we become too flexible in our standards in hopes of being surprised by someone, we end up disappointed most of the time. You aren’t gaming the system by lowering your standards, you are gaming yourself.
Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t give people a chance. You always need to go with your gut first and foremost. What I am saying is that you can allow yourself to be specific in how you describe yourself online and what you want in a match. Saying that you won’t date someone under 5’9” doesn’t make you a jerk, it makes you honest.

3. Don’t hate the playa – hate the game.
Ok, ok, hate the player a little bit too if you want. But for real: games are for losers, guys. There is absolutely no need to play them. If you find yourself waiting to text someone after a date to make yourself appear more mysterious or whatever, you are doing it wrong. Games are for children. Grow up and tell someone you had a great time with them and you can’t wait to see them again. If they can’t handle that, they can’t handle you. The end.

2. It’s not about you.
That guy that you had some great messaging with then dropped off the face of the Internet and then deleted his profile? Yeah, he didn’t do that because of you. He did that because of him. When doing all of this dating you just have to realize this one simple truth: other people’s actions are not always reactions to you. People behave poorly for many reasons and it really isn’t always about what you did or said or how you appeared or whatever. Some people have shit going on you will never know about. I bet you do, too. So next time you are rejected or ghosted or stood up or yelled at or propositioned for disgusting sex with a 60 year old Sugar Daddy remember: it’s not about you.

1. Manage your own expectations and own your experience.
There is no scientific evidence that proves online dating makes anything easier. (On the contrary, this blog might be proof that it, in fact, makes things more difficult.) There is no scientific evidence that shows that online dating leads to happiness either. You will not be getting engaged within months of putting up a profile. You will not stumble upon your soul mate on Tinder. Every person you meet IRL from online is not going to give you chills or sweep you off your feet. Online dating is not magic and there is no algorithm that accurately predicts your compatibility with another person, no matter what the site claims. There is one thing that you can always trust though: you.

Be honest with yourself about what you want and be authentic in how you present yourself online. Be kind. To everyone. Do not let others dictate your personal experience of online dating – or anything else for that matter. Have the courage to unapologetically be yourself in every circumstance. Realize that some people just aren’t that into you. Be cool with that. If there is one learning that trumps all others  it is this: you do you. Take responsibility for yourself and your actions and be the person who shapes your own story. It’s hard work, but it sure is rewarding.

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