These are the stories of a girl and a boy in L.A. Throw in a Disability into it and life is an adventure!
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Not everyone is going to like what you post online. One person specifically told me I was “chasing a dream.” Or, basically, that I’ve set my standards too high. I’ve decided to clarify exactly what I meant.
After negative experiences, we frequently find ourselves very determined to never repeat that experience. Of course, that’s not to say that after a while we can lower our standards again, but sometimes it’s nice to refresh ourselves of what type of qualities we’re allowed to aspire towards in future relationships.
The important thing to understand, however, is that regardless of how we might have been treated in the past, it’s not right to think that we are ever “owed” anything. The idea that by having been treated poorly means we’ve paid our dues, so we are entitled to the perfect guy who just has to accept us for who we are, is counterproductive and surely a terrible way to treat a great guy.
I’ll say that again: No matter how you’ve been treated in your past, you still must actively work towards making yourself the kind of person that you eventually want to end up with. That means you have to obtain the qualities for which you search in others.
With that said, when I write points of what I might be looking for even if it is this guy:
I am well aware of the fact that there is no human on the planet that has every single one of the qualities I could make a list for.
Some say you should do this (like my mother) I had a good friend went through a divorce made a list of 100 things she wanted in a guy pulled it on a first date and then married that man a few years later.....I think it worked out she sorta stopped talking to any of us but you know as the good book "He's not that into says" Exception not the rule.
Do I really think that there’s a guy out there that’s going never going to be mad at me? Uh, I even get mad at myself, so of course not! I know how difficult I can be! I once said I wanted someone who was quick witted and made me feel kind of stupid, I dated that and it was horrible so now I say No!
Thats the thing....This is what dating is for to learn these things. To learn what we want. Its helping us pave the way to learn a little about ourselves and hopefully figure out a person we would match well with. To learn about the qualities we like in ourselves and someone we want to share our lives with. What is important is the level of effort being put forth to achieve those qualities.
A lot of women are conditioned to believe in a fairy-tale future that is commonly criticized for being unrealistic. Well, if we believe a prince is going to come on a horse and save us from our terrible lives, (although I do clean up after what could be called the seven dwarfs right now and so you know if I did move in with a guy after this place it would kinda be like that right)
also this is pretty much how a wink so nailed it!!
I agree with that statement; however, I think there’s an opposite and just as damaging idea that women should choose the first nice guy that comes along and not be as “picky.”
Honestly, is it really that unrealistic to try and find a man who treats you like a princess (and you treat him like a prince) who is also handsome and normal and shares some interests with you? It hurts my heart to think that the next guy who likes me and also happens to be nice is all that I should desire in a relationship.
While being nice is a great quality, I think most people would agree that a guy who spends all of his free time on a computer or playing video games or at a bar pretty much nullifies “nice” and points to way bigger issues. We should just choose that man because, what? No one is perfect?
“Well,” you might say, “the only quality that really matters is whether or not he’s a good person.” Defining that is subjective and based on experience and not likely to be useful to someone who has only been treated poorly.
“Well, you could end up alone if you keep this up. You might get to a place where you wish you would’ve given someone in your past more of a chance.”
Let me be clear: there is always someone else. I realize that some people aren’t going to get married, but picking someone because you don’t want to end up alone is much less fulfilling than picking someone because you can’t imagine your life without them.
You deserve the best of the best. You deserve the kind of guy that you meet and are immediately attracted to, that you get excited just to see, that makes you feel like you want to be the best person possible so maybe they’ll want to be with you too.
I refuse to believe that type of man doesn’t exist for me, or for you. I also believe that any two people who are genuinely “good” can be happy together–but can you be the most happy and the most fulfilled?
And I know they exists and its not purely and idea. I am best friends with them, I am sister of them, I work with them, I read what the write, they may not be the one for me but the teach me and help me see maybe some things I would want to put on paper.
Lastly, I had someone tell me that if a man has the “potential” to be all the qualities I want, we can help each other grow through a relationship. That, to me, is exactly the reason why women stay in abusive relationships. I know from experience that potential means nothing if not being actively worked towards, and results are being seen.
Maybe a list isn't a horrible idea perhaps provides a good foundation for qualities I can be striving towards obtaining and searching out for all the people I share my life with. As far as my standards being too high, I recognize that I’m not going to end up with someone perfect, but there are men out there that are perfect for me. And for you.