Sunday, April 19, 2015

when seeing your ex again.....

You don't have to be looking good (earth day beach cleanup yeah not cute) but I hope you are surrounded by wonderful friends like I was.

Ironically we had been talking in the day about the choices your life takes and that ship sailing away of the life not taken: 

I was just sitting there sipping my lemonade when I happen to look over and see this guy and girl walking and I thought, is that him......Oh thats him!!

I leaned over to my friend and told and she said was he bad and I filled her in:

I started talking to this guy on New Years from Okcupid (3 years ago)  and I thought nothing was going to come of it. Well I fell and fell hard.
So I've never had sex and I told him that and we had talked about it, planned it. I went out of town for a bit and Well when I flew in Sunday to long beach he picked me up and we went on a date and then went back to his place and that was no longer the case. I bled a little and it freaked him out. But we ordered Pizza that night and watched movies and I crashed at his place. The next day he took me to this place by the water and beach and its nice and a great date spot (I went there again oddly on a much better date a few months later). We had lunch and it was so nice we walked around got Ice cream. Then we went back to his place and well tried sex again, I bled again and we tried a different move and it hurt so it freaked him out. We spent the rest of the night just cuddling and watching movies.
The next day he was going to call in sick to work but I guess he couldn't (at this point I don't even know if he tried) he was very odd not kissing me or anything and he drove me home. Once I got to my house he asked to walk him to his car and we hugged and I said are you going to kiss me? He said I hate to do this to you. I hate to be another one of those guys but I hurt you physically and I can't do that again. I tried to tell him that it would get better it would just take sometime. He said he couldn't and he was so sorry. He started to cry and I just stood there numb I guess.
I said you'll find someone perfect for you and he said he didn't want anyone else there was no one else and he liked me and wanted to be with me but  couldn't.
I asked if he wanted to cut all ties and he said he still wanted me in his life and we could be friends. I guess I smiled at him and he asked how I could do that. We just stood there talking on my street. I finally said you go and call me when your ready. He got in his car I walked inside and I lost it. My poor roommate.
I called my doctor and asked about what happened during sex and she gave me reasons I emailed him to let him know it was fine and normal. He wrote back and said he was glad I was okay and that he was a horrible person. At that point I had been beating myself up trying to figure out what to do so I said if your so scared of hurting me physical this is far more worse. What did I do? Communicate with me. This is what he wrote:
 I hope hope day you can forgive me for being a monster and a coward. It was never anything you did. Everything was backwards. I told myself and you that it was going to work. I was involved with someone new to physical amd emotional relationships with men, and disabled I thought I could handle it. I told us both I could but when we made love that night the realities of the situation became clear. I'm a 30 year old man with a dead end job, a video game addiction and I drink to much. I have no busniess being in any relationship. Especially a unique one like this. I'm sorry but this is not going to work. I do not want to be in a relationship with you. I understand the magnitude of this dispicable behavior and how I hurt you. I don't think we should see each other. I need some time beforei can be friends. I am eternally sorry.
by the way it wasn't my first relationship emotionally! UGH!! We also never became friends again.

and that kids was how I love my virginity. 

I've thought about this a a lot since then and I think a lot of pressure is put on girls when it comes to sex and I was talking to this wonderful women once who said yeah we should teach girls about sex like we do guys, its totally different. 

I was told wait for someone special for someone great, and that is wonderful do that. But really you can also just kinda sorta like someone too!  I was 28 and I think in part yes it took me so long because you know people thing disabled people can't have sex but I also could of maybe been a little more pro-active. 

I also realize everyone makes a huge deal out of first. Well yeah okay fine we talk about them but I now view them as practice pitches for when the big game comes along. 

anyways I think post a breakup you always mentally prepare yourself for the chance of running into and ex. We had been planning for me to move closer to him before the break up so I stupidly continued with that and made my chances even bigger but its also a big city and I knew the places to avoid. 

Well I made the move back to L.A. and he made a move to Fullerton I had heard so the chances of bumping into each other on the turf we once shared just slimmed down right? 

Well I guess it was weirdly meant to be, he was doing whatever he was doing there and the row of things that lead me there was certainly not normal....a special beach cleanup, not going to the regular place to eat, having to wait for a table for so long. If any of these things had changed we wouldn't of saw each other. 

Its not a huge thing, we didn't even speak. We made eye contact and he kept walking.

So while I wasn't looking my hottest or he didn't say words I had wished for months he would say to me I was surrounded by amazing friends, it ended up being one of those perfect days that makes you feel so blessed.....and weirdly this ex who was just a tiny part of my life lead me to these wonderful people who have had such a bigger part of my life and make it wonderful and beautiful. Maybe I should of told him thank you! 

He was piece of my story, a stepping stone to where I'm going, nothing more but small part of the bigger story that is my life. 

also got my 5th message from a guy being "I know you are busy lets still get together" 

actually no I'm just on a mission to go to the magic castle but for all you know i hate you so please stop messaging me. 

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