Monday, April 29, 2013

I am so excited!!

I am so excited I just found out I won a pair of Ray Bands from

In my life makeover I have been planning to do some retail therapy to add to the changes and sun glasses were on the list!! Now I don't have to worry about it and they are going to be an amazing pair at that!!

I am so excited!!!

a simple twist of fate.

Did you ever see that movie? It came out in 1994 and I loved watching in as a pre-teen. I haven't watched if forever and I found that someone has uploaded it on youtube so I watched and remember how much I loved it!

I didn't realize that Laura Linny was in the movie.

Steve Martian is hilarious but also makes a really touching father.

If you haven't see it. Check it out

Me makeover

I have made so many changes emotionally in the past 5 months now I want to grow more. A huge life makeover is happening. With the move. I am going to do things I have never done, wanted to do, and learn to love me more. Also maybe learn to really let someone in again.

First I am going to work on not being so fearful of things. To not worry so much. To not make excuses about why I can't do something.

I am going to do some retail therapy this coming weekend, change it up a bit. Be more brave in my fashion choice. Realize that my body isn't as horrible as I think.

I also can't wait to be healthier from making better eating habit, the yoga class on the beach, and nightly swims in the pool and sitting in the hot tub.

Wouldn't this be a delightful schedule to have?

I used to get hair wraps all the time I would love to have one again!

I want to learn to cook more even if its simple recipes like a fancy grilled cheese for me. Maybe I'll have dinner parties so I can cook the bigger meals.

I am going to focus my energy on getting my business up and running.

Focus on being more happy and less negative.

Fashion. I am going to try and have more of it. Put makeup on. Make an effort to look really nice every time I step out the door. Try more styles with my hair. Do facials and the such. Maybe even learn to walk in High Heels. Do it for me.

accept that I am beautiful. My arms aren't to big nor is my nose. I am not fat because my stomach isn't super flat. Don't be so judgmental of myself when I look in the mirror and focus on the good.

Set high standards for my life. For the things I do. The people I let in it. The people I choose to fall for. The work I do. The things I do in my life. Big things are coming my way and I can't wait to grow!

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Dearest biggest love I've ever known.

I've often wrote letter to who I hope will one day be your dad but I have yet to write a letter to you. I can't wait to meet you as well, and I have so many thoughts about you already.

I will cradle you in my arms. Our breathing in sync, your little hand wrapped around my thumb.

Our Journey to get here may not be an easy one but it will be worth all the moments of bed rest, the getting sick, the extra work I now have to put into things.

I can't wait to sew you homemade costumes. Make Valentines with you and teach you how great it is to share love with the world. Teach you about family History. Take you out to jump in puddles in the rain. Bake with you. Take you on vacations. Celebrate your birthday. Beach days. Take you on your 1st day of school. Trick or Treating. Christmas. You make Holidays and every day complete.

In whatever you want to be or do I'll support you. Cheer you on at sporting events. Help you prepare for that role in the school musical. You want to live in a princess costume for a year. Okay.

Mommy hopes that she gets to have you with Daddy but who knows, Maybe I will do it on my own. Maybe I'll adopt you. Don't worry though you'll Uncle Jake and Uncle Ben will be great male role models in your life, and even if I was lucky to make you with the love of my life they'll still be great role models and you'll have a high standards for the men you want in your life in the future or that man that you become.

If we live in California I want you to still know what snow and winter is like. We'll make trips up to Big Bear and stay weeks in a cabin. Falling half asleep with you by the fire after a morning outside, building snowpeople or throwing red and gold leaves all over the place. Your wearing a new onesie footie pajama number with a hood that has little bear ears on it that makes me never want you to grow up, snuggling into me like I’m the safest thing in the world. teddy bear tucked under little arm and I’ve got both of them wrapped up in mine. Later we can toast marshmallows for hot chocolate.

Around Christmas I will take you to tree lightings. Grandma moved closer so we'll spend Christmas at her house and she'll teach you how magical it can be. We'll watch all the Christmas movies I grew up on. Well and of course there will be Dad's family, Maybe we'll travel to see them and we'll have to get you real winter clothes. Maybe its just a road trip with a sleepover. Its great to have so much love.

We'll spend at much time at the beach as possible, Maybe you'll learn to surf. We'll have family beach days you in a baby wetsuit having the time of your life chasing seagulls. There are always pools and epic bath nights if life takes us away from the coast.

Any big summer holidays, we’re having people over. Family, friends, neighbors. Everyone can come take over our front and back yards. The kids will splash around the pool, the rest of us can have a cold beer and an expertly grilled burger (or veggie burger) and all the fixins that your dad is amazing and grillin while I spent the day making salads and pie, and everyone will be wearing flip flops and sunglasses. Because that’s all a summer BBQ really needs.

at the end of the day Pj's on and books will be read. You and I will cuddle, maybe Dad too but mostly he'll come in to find us and the dog sleeping in a messy, cuddly pile on the big couch.

at night or early morning we’ll hear a tiny thunder of footsteps they’ll quietly come in, burrow under the covers and want to be in bed with us.

On the first day of preschool, I’m going to try to be cool about the whole thing, act like I’m not worried and that our little boy or girl is going to be fine.

But once I let go of that tiny hand and he or she goes bouncing off towards school in a backpack way too big, I’ll be losing it inside. When did our baby get so big?

I hope our kids get to grow up in a world where there is no need for people of the LGBT community to feel scared or ashamed to be who they are. I hope our kids pick their friends and role models based on their integrity and the content of their character.

I hope our son feels flattered instead of threatened if the boy on his baseball team has a crush on him, even if it isn’t reciprocated.

I hope our daughter helps her best friend plan an elaborate flash mob in the cafeteria to ask her girlfriend to prom.

Or that if thats who they love they know that we'll love them no matter what. They'll never have to feel scared to tell us

I hope our kids get to live in a world that’s just a little bit better.

also I can't wait to have crazy dance parties with you. I can't wait to hear your cute voice singing to a song in the car or later one you made up while playing in your room.

and we are up for crazy adventures if you end up anything like your dad and I. I can't wait to take you to Disneyland! To just build forts at home and watch movies. To have your friends over for fun play dates. Help you with a school project. If the tooth fairy pays with Galleons, Sickles, and Knuts (or Aztec gold), do you think the kids will care? I can't wait to read you Harry Potter before bed and I'll try and do all the voices (dad's better I know)

Dad and I are gonna go all out with themed birthday parties for the kids we've been planning and we'll spend all day getting ready for it (made so much food), to the point we keep finding evidence -like little sheriff badges or fairy princess confetti- months later on bookshelves and under couches.

Till you are here I am going to work on me so that I can be the best when your here. I am going to go on adventures so I can tell them to you later when you ask your millions of questions, and lets see if I can find you Dad while I'm at it :)

Not giving up on finding you

Sometimes you meet someone amazing. They make you feel so safe and so happy that you couldn’t believe how lucky you are. You become a better person because they make you want to be better without asking. You work harder and change your bad habits and you become the best person you can be. They make you smile just by being in your thoughts. You fall asleep in each others’ arms. You name your future kids. You make plans. You fight. You’re brutally honest with each other. You make up. You find someone you’re not scared to tell the truth around. You’re so sure that this is the one. This is it. You think, “the memories we’re making now are the ones we’re going to tell our kids about.”

But the fact is, nothing is set in stone. People can change. They can walk away from you even if you’re the best, even if you don’t make mistakes, even if they still love you. In the same vein, you might be the one who walks away, for the same reasons.

And though it hurts, makes you feel like you’ll never find that again, and that all of it was for nothing, you’ll be fine. It was worth it. There’s not just one person out there for everyone.

If you’re out there, if you’re anything like me, you haven’t given up. And I know we won’t, it’s not in our nature. Hiding and running away will get us nowhere. Let’s keep taking chances and loving fully because that’s the only way this will happen. Let’s find each other. Because even with all the pain and bumps in the road, I know that you’ll be worth it.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Time to move on.

I gave myself a time line to when I was going to stop wallowing in my loss of you. When I was going to stop wondering how your doing. To stop looking up advice whenever I got bored. To see if I could get you to think of me. Well it was going to be moving day when I am going to just do a full on makeover but some things happened today and I decided to start early. RIGHT NOW. from this moment no more putting myself in places to that make me think of you. Sure you were a huge part of my life so you'll cross my mind but with my new start maybe you'll only cross it when I watch Wreck it Ralph or when I smell coffee. I promise from now on when I see those things to not focus about how your not in my life but that you once were and I'll smile.

I will always remember the very first time we met and when I drive past the airport I promise to picture when I fist saw you because its one of my happiest memories, the very first time my lips touched your lips, the very first time you wrapped your arms around me and rested your head on my shoulder. Your smile your way of looking at me will always be fresh in my memories. There are so many lovely memories but the fact remains the memories are not enough to bind us for rest of our lives. I still have some hope deep in my heart that someday my fate will bring you back in my arms. I will hold our emails as a standard for the next guys coming into my life. The picture of your charming smile keep flashing back in front of my eyes; though I know things will never be the same.

It’s been a long time that I saw your lovely face; no matter for how many more months I won’t get to see my memories will never fade away. I leave everything on the destiny; I am sure you still think about me. Though over a period of time I have realized the bitter truth that we can’t be together. I won’t hesitate to say that I am still hanging on to hope, but you can only hold on so long.

I will never have any regrets in life of letting you in to see sides of me that no one else has… of holding you in my arms of dreaming to be with you forever..till the time I am no longer alive..

Wish you all the best


Goodbye goober head.


I know that I have done this. I know that I have touched peoples lives. This makes me smile.

I can also be a big dork. a nerd.

I also know I care too much. Which of course is a good thing but also has a very bad very dark side to it.

Friday, April 26, 2013

quotes, because sometimes you just need to hear it

“You must do everything you can to get what you want and need, to find “that type of love.” It’s there for you…. I do know that we are here, all of us — beasts and monsters and beauties and wallflowers alike — to do the best we can. And every last one of us can do better than give up…. You’re going to have to be brave. You’re going to have to walk into the darkest woods without a stick.. You will be likewise transformed, the same as love transforms us all. But you have to be fearless enough to let it transform you… put your best self out there with as much transparence and sincerity and humor as possible….Walk without a stick into the darkest woods. Believe that the fairy tale is true..” —Dear Sugar

"I can tell you that you will have your heart broken more by the people you love than by the people you hate. But you must still dare to love. The rewards are worth far more than the risks."-Margaret Peterson Haddix

“Anything I ever learned comes down to something pretty simple: Don’t anticipate life; meet it. When you try to anticipate, you’re being an idiot, because nobody’s got the brain to outwit nature. I’m talking here about patience, about believing in yourself. I’m talking here about having the courage to wait. You will get what you deserve.”-rob steiger

“Things just don’t work out. That’s the most simple explanation for life. You can dwell on why something that didn’t or shouldn’t have happened, but it did. So just move on. You can sit there crying over someone who did you wrong, or you can go out and live life to it’s fullest. Everyone needs reasons why things are the way that they are, but over thinking over powers your brain. It gets you hanging onto the past when what you really need to be doing is moving forward and focusing on greater things. When things don’t work out, find something that will.”-via.

“Every experience in life, everything with which we have come in contact in life, is a chisel which has been cutting away at our life statue, molding, modifying, shaping it. We are part of all we have met. Everything we have seen, heard, felt, or thought has had its hand in molding us, shaping us."
-Orison Swett Marden

then sometimes it hits

and I miss him so much.

all it took was a song that came on a tv show I was watching. I just lost it.

Then I was looking for something to see if I had blogged it but could find it. but I did find this when I posted over the new year.

Funny thing is thats when he messaged me, Little did I know with this post and our first few emails he was going to be the person to change my life.

I wish I could change our ending

My inner punk rocker

I have always wanted to learn the drums! I still really want to and this is something I am working towards. Whenever I meet a drummer I ask for lessons!!

This used to be my favorite magazine I haven't found it in years!! I still have my first copy somewhere. Its a bit torn up because I used to put Punk music on and make collages and art in my room while wearing doc martian boots and Pj pants! LOL

Loses its power

Remember how I was complaining about seeing things that constantly reminded me of someone moreso while watching the OC? Well I have decided to look at it two ways. I was glad for what we had and the memories we made so if something reminds me of that time I will just smile.

2nd we had a student at the middle school I worked at that had trouble with speech (because no one ever took the time to teach him) sometimes when he wanted your attention he would scream. You just walked away normally. Well there was this new counselor in school that didn't like it. My dear friend and favorite co-worker used to say that if we let everyone get used to hearing him scream he wouldn't get attention and it would lose its power. So maybe I need to be around these things and do the things I am going to do and one day they won't have that power over me to make me sad.

so I have been watching season 1. I am about half way through, and yes there are lots of things that remind me of him but that is okay and one day it won't make me sad anymore.

There are also lessons I can take with me to help.

Where any of you OC fans? I also feel like I understand more of references now that I am more knowledgeable about California. I had watched the show when I first moved to California and had no idea the locations or references they made its kind fun to get them now!

and of course those amazing on the edge scenes and heartfelt moments still get to me!