Sunday, March 31, 2013

to read on the bad day

"Will the hurting ever stop," or "Will my ex come back," or "Why did he/she do this," this is how it typically goes down.

You two break up--doesn't matter who does it. You immediately panic and begin chasing, begging, pleading, harrassing, phoning, e-mailing, IMing, stalking (okay not all of them, just pick whichever one you did). Most of us will likely do some things during this stage that will make you cringe when you think back on it, say after about 3 months.

You lose weight. You neglect yourself, your house, your job (how many hours do we all log on this site while we are at work?). You drive your friends and family crazy talking about the break up. You cry at the drop of a dime. You can't even comprehend that your life might not again include that "special person." You begin putting them on a pedestal, forgetting all of the nagging things about them that used to drive you crazy. In your mind, they have become omnipotent, all encompasing, all everything.

You convince yourself that you are a loser who just screwed up a relationship with "the best person in the world." You KNOW without a doubt that you will never EVER love like that again. You know no one else will come along who even comes close to being as marvelous as your ex (excuse me while I chuckle to myself here). You wear a sad face for the world to see (you should see my work ID taken 2 days after my breakup, it's just pitiful).

They (the ex's) remain steadfast in their denial to get back together. Many of them leapfrog into new relationships, immediately being exclusive with a new person. For those that do leapfrog, they appear to just "replace" you with a new model. All of the things you two used to do, they now do with someone else. Bowling, cuddling watching television, motorcycle riding, antiquing. Whatever you two did, likely they will just begin doing those things with someone new.

You hear about them and their new life. You are desperate for any crumbs of news about their life. Many of us make things worse here by trying to use manipulation to get them back--yet they stay away from us like we are the plague.

For those of us who do still have contact with our ex's we begin selling ourselves short. Doing stupid things like allowing them access to our bodies and then wanting to strangle them afterward when they remind us that "Sex does not imply hope."

You, in further panic mode, begin frantically searching the internet using phrases such as "break ups," "divorce stopper," whatever. You stumble upon this site, pay your money because your curious and lo and behold, you find all of us folks in various stages of this whole breakup bullsh*t.

You voraciously read the posts. You search for news of those who "got their mates back." You're on the site constantly. You'll read the books and think "Ah I can do this. I can get this person back." You begin your "no contact" and for some of us, this will get a reaction from our ex's. For the rest, no contact is and will continue to be what you'll get and receive.

Time goes by. You'll do some stupid things. You'll call your ex when you shouldn't. You'll call when you've had to much to drink. You'll call even after 50 people on this site tell you not to. You'll show up on their doorstep, hating yourself all the time. Then you'll come back to this site and ask everyone to tell you why you were so stupid as to do whatever it was you did.

Then you'll get serious about no contact. It'll hurt, but you try to stick to it. Here's the turning point for most. For those folks who have contact with their ex's, your no contact will either bring them sniffing curiously around or they'll be somewhere high fiving their friends thanking the God's that you haven't called.

Now's the tough time. Nothing but time works. Everday the ache in your heart grows a little less. It's only nanobits that it dies down by. But everyday it will get slowly better. You'll have setbacks. You'll run into your ex accidently. You'll run into mutual friends who'll tell you something about your ex that'll have you high-tailing it home for a good cry. You'll see your ex with their new "friend." You'll receive a phone call or an e-mail from your ex who "doesn't want to be in a relationship but still wants to be friends (with benefits if you allow).

Here's another important part. You need to truly sit down and truthfully look back at the relationship and understand what you did to help with it's demise. If you miss this part, you go through all the suffering for nothing because Buddy, you'll be back here again. This site is to teach you about you. To teach you how to be a better partner, a better person. Missing that lesson is detrimental to the whole process. It's the REASON that you're going through this. God (or whatever your higher power is) needed you to learn something about YOU. Don't miss out on the lesson.

Then one day you'll smile because you didn't immediately check your answering machine when you came in. And one day you'll decide to clean the muck that has accumulated in your house. And one day you'll go outside and admit to the universe that you surrender what control you thought you had.

And one day you'll decide to date again. And one day you'll go out on your first date and it will likely be a disaster. And then you'll either force yourself to continue dating or you'll decide that you aren't ready to date but you are ready to be out amongst people again. And many of you will have some quick reconcillations with your ex's. Many of us won't. But one day, it won't matter as much. Because time will allow you to catch yourself going minutes and then hours without thinking of the ex. And you'll begin to be able to think of life possibly without that person and not dissolve into a puddle of nothingness because of the thought.

And for most of us, sadly, life will go on without that mate. That's the truth, amigos. Don't want to dash your hopes but probably less than 3% of the people on this site get back with their mates. Sobering isn't it? But, as the site instructs, you must accept this before you can truly begin to heal or draw your ex back to you. For the lucky (maybe unlucky one's depending on how much work it will take to keep a mate that has wandered back) who get back with their ex's, many will find that the paradise they envisioned isn't reality and what they once thought was gold has a certain tarnish to it now. But they stay and try and make it work because it's comfortable or, if they are really lucky, it's meant to be.

But for most of us. Life goes on. And one day you'll find yourself having a gut busting laugh over something totally stupid and you'll think to yourself "I am getting better." And finally (thank God) you'll have sex with some new and find that a) if it wasn't good, at least you did it or b) it was so much better than with your ex you wonder why you waited so long to get back out there. And you'll know you're one the road to recovery.

I guess what I'm trying to convey here is, while each situation is unique, the characteristics of most of our situations are the same. Most of us will go through at least something that I've written here. So, when someone tells you on this site that time will help you get through it, believe them. When they tell you that "trust me, it will get better and you will stop hurting eventually," believe them. And when they give you good advice that your head understands but your heart rejects, take a moment to think before you react.

Don't beat yourself up if you do something that you wished you hadn't (calling, contacting, etc) WE ALL DID AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving of yourself. And most of all remember that being happily single is an alternative. Even if society is beating it into your head that you MUST have a mate, take some time to heal before going back out there. There are plenty of good people to love, but don't go back out there broken, jaded about love, etc. Accept realty. Experience the pain. Learn the lesson. Actively try to heal. Remember the person you were when you first met your ex and get that person back.

And the universe will take care of the rest

Life Makeover

Thats what I really want and each day I am realizing I won't get that here or on the path that I am on. I went to breakfast with someone who was once a friend and I am learning is not. She talked mostly about Drugs and drinking and I was so so far (and have never been that) when I opened my heart to tell her my troubles she said "Oh well time to move on" and I thought yeah it is. I need a new life, with a handful of new people. A new start. Time to start working on the life that I want.

Here I feel so broken and sad (today was harder then its been) I feel like Robin at the end of her relationship with Barney and all you can tell me is move on. Gee thanks!! Please tell me again about how High you got? Oh someone spray painted your car? How interesting.

Easter a time for rebirth right? Well today is the day I start!

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Thanks for being a man.

How I met my mother.

Warms my heart. Makes me cry. Then makes me laugh. Its a huge part of my life so that when I started dating we watched it together so he could know what I was talking about, I was scared at first to watch now that I wasn't watching without but I am doing fine.

Ironically on tonights episode they brought back a character that was in the first season which him and I watched together and I was a tad sad. Then this was in the episode:

It made me sad because I wanted this with him, and I cried, but then I also cried because if not with him I hope I have it someday.

Then right after a few commercials they showed this and it made me really happy :)

Disneyland Prom?

Disneyland used to host Prom's in the 60's the old photos are some of my favorites and I thought I would share them with you!

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

The things that help us get by

I just miss talking to him so much. Does he miss talking to me?

I know he said he's beating himself up right now, I believe he is but sometimes I wonder if he really is. Did he really care? When my mind doesn't wonder to the scary places I hope he remembers this, I hope he thinks of the good times.

I am sad about the way it ended. I was blindsided. But I look fondly back on our time together and will never regret it. Would I go back and do things differently? sure. But I can't do that so no regrets!

This is so hard. I miss the way you smiled at me. I missed the way you were so gentle and kind. Our playful banter with each other. I miss that I could tell you anything. I miss the way you looked at me, you saw me really saw me, you Listened you really listened. I miss it all.

You built me up so high. Then you left. Do you still feel that way? were you just scared?

One friend says its just my head thinking about him but could there be signs? I mean what are the odds that the house I look to rent has the same car? Or that Access keeps taking me past his house down that freeway? Or that Green Lantern would be on HBO. I wish I knew what you were trying to tell me signs.

I can never hate him. Even for breaking my heart. He was being honest.

I hope one day we can come back to each other.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013


strengthen us

I’ve just watched a relationship that I truly believed was so caring and resilient, crumble in front of my eyes. There was nothing I could do to change the way he felt, I couldn’t change the choice he made. I gave it all I could, but this time it wasn’t enough. It was just over, just like that. Yet knowing these blunt facts, I’m still haunted by the ‘what if’s?’ that expand my doubts.

Learning to block out these dangerously over-whelming thoughts and replace them with the acceptance that I’m never getting back what I had, hasn’t exactly been the healthiest or easiest journey. Nor has it helped lessened how absolutely drained and heart broken I am after this.

Good people leave, it happens. I’m learning that It’s not to make us weak but to instead strengthen us. These people walk out on us to allow better people to take their place. To fill in all the gaps the previous person wasn’t able to fill.

I don’t know how long it’ll take or how many hit and misses I’ll experience before this better person makes himself apparent, but I do know that when he does I’ll be happy that I made the choice to endure this pain they call ‘moving on’ rather than holding onto the fake hope you led me to believe that maybe one day we’ll pick up where we left off.

Last August I had my first thoughts.
Only now I know how right I was.
This was , too good to be true.

And I’m glad.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013


I met a guy we fell for eachother. It was perfect. This progress and he gets scared. He breaks your heart in a million pieces in front of your neighbors house. He cries while you try and hold it together. You make it inside till you crumble and break leaving your rooommmate wondering you sending him for the girl in the house that would understand. It hurts. You cry. Vent. Cry. Hate happy things. Cry. Have amazing friends. Cry feel sick. Shake and shake in the middle of the night till you best friends cover you in more blankets and put on phineas and ferb. You try to fight for him. He won't hear you and the pain swallows you. You hurt in every possible way. You feel sick. You cry five more times and decide to let go. Your are broken and it hurts. Soon you'll become numb.

Friday, March 8, 2013

Dear future love of my life....

I can't wait to watch things with you. Movie nights out with the popcorn and snacks, Movie Nights in with whatever we choose, Tv shows, shows we hardly pay attention to.

I can't wait to after we've had a long day and work and counted down the minutes till we get to see eachother to just kiss that dang cute face of yours!

Thanks for loving me flaws and all and for being strong enough to stick with me.

I'm going to work really hard for our dream life together. The little house. The Dogs (The Great Dane) Taking something that may not be pretty and making it our home. I can't wait to build that with you, you say its all on me but of course you'll be on my mind as well. I can't wait to raise our kids here with laughter and love. Swing them on the tree Swing. Getting ready in the mornings as crazy as they are here, Searching through the closet for that perfect dress for that date night, hanging out the wonderful photos. Reading bed time stories to our kids. Movie Nights. Living in the Kitchen. Supporting each other inside these walls. Dinner Parties. Holidays. Me learning to Garden.....good luck to us!

and maybe we won't have all that but where ever I am with you will be home and I will help make it that way. and I would love to work up to all that and I will love all the other places we've shared till then.

I know sometimes I say it won't matter I mean look at the title but I Would really love to become your wife.

I hope I never forget how Lucky I am. Lucky that you tell me how beautiful even when I look a hot mess. That you take the time to find me the perfect gift. That you always stay at my pace just because you like being with me. That you are so kind. Thanks for cleaning up. Thanks for understanding when I can be moody. Thanks for always holding my hand. Thanks for the flowers. Thanks for the dinners out. Thanks for making me laugh. Thanks for saying sorry. Thanks for being you! Thanks for loving me for me!

I think I found that!

One week till I get to see my baby! Oh and go to Disneyland! Yay!!

I've learned a lot on how to make long distance work, Skype is a blessing. We even watch movies together over skype (mostly Disney because that is what is guaranteed to be at my mom's house) but it been really fun!