Sunday, May 13, 2018

Mothers Day!




Mothers day is a big deal in my family. From ones still here to ones we've lost and we are all mothers in everyday like when we stepped up and took care of my cousins after my aunt died!

My mother and Grandmother were incredibly strong. My mother who at 18 gave birth to a 1 pound 14 ounces baby 3 1/2 months early and then stepped it up when she discovered she had Cerebral Palsy 6 months later.


To my grandma who was there as her rock through it.


My Grandma is hilarious, strong and kind. She also doesn't take shit from anyone though!

These women have given me so much and I know  I wouldn't be half the girl I am today if it wasn't for them!


We're very close and I know not everyone is that lucky!


I have had the chance to see other moms with their disabled children and I watch how they coddle and don't let them be their own person. I feel so lucky that my mom taught me that I could do whatever I wanted to do and to support me. I was never her Disabled child, I was her child.


But they also will always let me come lean on them if I need to.



My mom and grandma are also huge dog people. Which makes them wonderful dog moms!


Dogs are babies too!



They help me be mothering to children I meet and a good dog mom!

and now they welcome my boyfriend into the family as well and treat him just like a kid of their own.

and I get another mom in Wes's mom!


Wednesday, March 7, 2018

I think its time for a change

Stop all that “you attract what you are ready for” shit. Sometimes life is just terrible. It’s not always my fault.



Life never gives you more than you can handle.” Yes, it does.
People are placed in your life to teach you a valuable lesson that helps your soul on its way to enlightenment.” No, there are a just a lot of people who feel empowered when they act like assholes. We live in that kind of society.
You keep finding yourself in the same situation because you haven’t discovered the message the universe is trying to send to you yet.”  Sometimes unpleasant things are stuck on repeat, because you have a mental or physical condition, and it is a symptom. Symptoms are like that. 
The truth always hurts.” No, it doesn’t, and what hurts often isn’t the truth, but is instead someone’s biased opinion.  

OK “the truth hurts” is a maxim that needs to die. It teaches us that “truth=pain” so when someone tells us something hurtful, we assume it must be true. Conversely, when someone says something nice to us, it must be a lie because truth hurts, right?
I can’t begin to calculate how many people have suffered because they assume someone who hurts them must be telling them the truth

The funny thing about body image

My doctor has had concerns about my weight because the heavier I get the harder it will be to get around with my Cerebral Palsy. The above phone was my lowest weight. I hated my arms, I hated the tummy but I learned to embrace it.

I have a boyfriend now which means endless access to food I love. Something I didn't really have before so here I am 50 pounds heavier. My doctor wants me to lose weight but isn't the most supportive (I actually am in the process of switching doctors) right now we are trying the Keto diet and I am getting back into doing yoga (getting sick and a December of doing nothing didn't help anything)


 You know whats funny though I am most comfortable in my body now at my heaviest then I was in the top photo. I have surrounded myself with body positivity like above and its worked. I am going to party this weekend in a see through top something I wouldn't have done ever at my 50 pounds lighter.

I am working on getting healthy but I am not going to hate myself in the process. 

Love you everyday

I love you today just as I love you every other day. There’s always something exciting with you. Not because we’re doing daring, adventurous, trips.



Not because we go see new places or are constantly trying new things.



 Life is exciting with you because you’re not like anyone else in my history.




 I read somewhere that the person you’re meant to be with is the one you want to go do errands with. I love spending time with you doing absolutely nothing at all. Watching our favorite show. You make everything adventure even grocery shopping.





I love sitting with you on a bench, staring at the water, having no plans for the rest of the day.






 I love how you make me feel in the simple moments.




 I love how you let me be who I am, even when it might embarrass you.



 I love how you challenge me, 



Every single day is amazing with you. And I love you so much.


Saturday, February 17, 2018

Toxic

What I mean when I say "toxic monogamy culture"
  • the normalization of jealousy as an indicator of love
  • the idea that a sufficiently intense love is enough to overcome any practical incompatibilities
  • the idea that you should meet your partner’s every need, and if you don’t, either you’re inadequate or they’re too needy
  • the idea that a sufficiently intense love should cause you to cease to be attracted to anyone else
  • the idea that commitment is synonymous with exclusivity
  • the idea that marriage and children are the only valid teleological justifications for being committed to a relationship
  • the idea that your insecurities are always your partner’s responsibility to tip-toe around and never your responsibility to work on
  • the idea that your value to a partner is directly proportional to the amount of time and energy they spend on you, and it is in zero-sum competition with everything else they value in life
  • the idea that being of value to a partner should always make up a large chunk of how you value yourself



Tuesday, January 16, 2018

:)

To me, one of the most important things when it comes to a relationship is to be able to be yourself in front of this person. You gotta feel comfortable and show who you really are. To know there’s no need to lie, pretend or hide. To know they love you for who you are and wouldn’t change a thing. You can be silly or clingy or cheesy and they will just smile and stare at you like you’re the best thing that ever happened to them. 

#Metoo

I was a late bloomer when it came to boys, relationships, all of that. The only thing that made me a late bloomer. The one thing I couldn't fight to try and be normal because with these things you banking on another person (and boys can be dumb) the one thing that made my mom cry at night because of the above is true.

I lost my virginity at 28. it was terrible and I wish people hadn't told me to wait for someone special or for it to mean something. I wish girls and boys were taught about sex the same way.

On top of losing my virginity he broke up with me the next day and I went into life changing mode so on top of moving I also had what I like to call a sexual awaking, I could do these things now and boy was I going to make up for lost time.

I dated a lot and went on terrible dates. Horrible make out sessions that tasted like ham and I was left laying cold in the sand on the beach and I thought that was the worst of it but he later punched a drunk guy. A guy that wanted to date me because I was "young looking" and so on and so forth.

We had a pool at my house and one time a guy came over to swim. Right away I wanted nothing to do with him and thought I made that pretty clear but apparently not. I hurried through the swim part and we headed back to my apartment to change. He kissed me horribly to the point where I would gag, He then laid on top of me and forced me to make out and was touching me and truth be told I don't even know if intercourse happened because I was just trying to push him off me. Now I am strong because of using canes to walk with, I pushed and asked him to stop and get off me. Nothing. I finally managed to grab the end of the mattress and was able to use that to pull myself out from under him where I ran into the bathroom and sobbed. I came out and he tried things some more. I finally got him out and locked the door, he wanted to come back in for a photo but I wasn't letting him back in.


I left for my friends Wedding weekend right after. I remember telling her about this horrible sex I had had and that was just it.....everyone I told just said it was bad sex, kind of like this. 


It wasn't until months later it hit me with what happened what this really really meant and I called my best friend crying.

I have had a lot of bad sex, a lot of it shouldn't have happened because I had put myself it a scary situation with a guy, with posting this I hope I can help someone in the future learn.


Something certainly needs to change and I am glad we're all taking about it.